Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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