we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
