Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
