he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You can't just leave with hair like that
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
