Soap is not a condiment
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
