I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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