I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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