I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
