I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
