HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
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