What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
