Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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