So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
