She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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