I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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