So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
