K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Someone shit on the floor
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
