I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
