So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
