i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
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You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
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She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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