the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
