his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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