Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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