Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
