I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
