I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I don't think brook has ever known best
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
