I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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