How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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