he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
