I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
