Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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