watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate