1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
