I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
