I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
