My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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