whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
