Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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