Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
