i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
