I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
