At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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