Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
