he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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