I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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