you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
