That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
