So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
