i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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