booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
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Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
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I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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