I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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