her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
