shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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