Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
