All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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